The Lawler Family

On the bad days, the emotional ups and downs can be intense – even brutal — and it’s hard predicting the triggers.  Sometimes, it can be a particular kind of perfume, or a song, or like last night, a simple conversation with a person who knew Craig while at OSU.  Whatever the case, the feeling of loss is profound and impressive.  And it’s in these moments that I wish I could simply call my brother or mom.  To know that’s now an eternal impossibility is hard to grasp or come to terms with.  Some liken this kind of loss as a breakup on steroids.  But, with a breakup, there’s always the possibility of future memories.  This kind of breakup lasts, lasts, and then lasts some more.  Earlier this evening, I had to stop myself from asking Diane if she had spoken with Craig.  Old habits are hard to break, I suppose. 

On the bad days, I’m not sure what living my own life consists of; it’s been a while.  I feel a bit wayward with no fixed roots.  Though it’d be nice to settle here, I can’t help but feel that settling would be…settling. At the same time, I feel isolated and lost.  My sense of being, time, and permanence has been upended.  What was once a firm understanding of “what is” has morphed into a jumbled mess of “not sures” or metaphysical chaos.  My knowledge of life now includes a family of four.  Happiness requires a new level of abstraction.  The future consists of confusing cross-roads of options and alternatives – a smorgasbord of indecision. 

On the bad days, I feel like I’m on shaky terrain, as if my continental shelf is narrow, with family and friends forming a thin rocky bottom on which to stand.  But then the ground drops.

As they say, the bad days too shall pass — and they do.  It stinks to be in the gutter, but, thankfully, it’s not a permanent state of being.  There’s always tomorrow… –J